I know that God does not make things happen. I know that God does not lead me places or keep me from others. I know all these things. However, right now, as I face things not going as I had planned, I am angry at – yes – God.
I did so much to get “here” because I thought it was the direction that I was supposed to go. It wasn’t that God told me to do this, or do that – but I did believe that I was following some sort of divine plan; going the directions that would lead me to the place that would, I don’t know, be where I was supposed to be.
I realize all of this now and realize how absolutely framed I am by a theology that I do not believe in. How, even though I do not believe certain things, I still hold on, somewhere in my being, to outdated notions of God, faith and how the world operates.
Yet, right now I am angry that things are not panning out as I thought they would. I am angry that I have to take, yet again, another step back and figure out where I want my future to go.
As I write this I am so aware that I am not living in the present moment. As I write this I am aware that I think life will be tomorrow not now. As I write this and know all this, I still would rather be anywhere than here.
