Why do I want a god in my life? This really is the first question to creating a god that I can live with; a god that I can turn to when needed. Yet, even as I write that statement I feel this wave of irritation waft through my head. Even this language of turning to, of living with, of needing makes me so uncomfortable. That is one of the issues that stands in the way for me in regards to god. I don’t want to want a god. I don’t want to need a god. I just want to do life by myself.
Yet, I am not doing it very successfully by myself. I think most people look at my life and wouldn’t agree with that statement. I’ve got the house, the money, the family, the cars, the pets, the career, the education… It all appears so nice and put together. But, really, behind it all, I am falling apart. I want a god who can help me pull it together.
I rarely trust others. Actually, rarely is not the truth, I don’t trust others. I don’t believe there is anyone out there in the world that would love me and care for me unconditionally. I feel that everyone who knows me is constantly judging me, my friends, my family, the people at work, a random stranger in a cafe. Yet, I believe that they are judging the façade, therefore, if they ever really knew who I was, what was going on in my life, the judgment would be so severe that I couldn’t handle it. I want a god that doesn’t judge, a god that is compassion and understanding, a god that is the one safe place to turn.
Being alive is hard for me, most of the time I really wish I wasn’t. I am overwhelmed by small things and run from the big things. I live in a space of constant self-judgment, wishing that I was someone different, that I was a better person. I have a negative filter on the world and feel very little joy. I notice myself always expecting the worse and rarely having gratitude for all that I have. I want a god that can heal this spirit sickness I’ve had my entire life.
Does this god exist? A god that pulls things together, a god that is a safe place to bare a soul, a god that heals what medicine can’t?
I’m skeptical but hopeful.
