I sat talking yesterday at lunch with a friend. In the midst of our conversation a medium sized bumble bee joined our table. The creature buzzed over the water glasses, the cup of lemon grass tea and then seemed to tread air between us. I watched my fear rise. I have nasty reactions to bee stings and when I see a bee, any bee, my mind latches on to the last bee sting, the last time I felt the pain and the swelling. Then last time becomes this time – what the bee might do, what the bee could do. Soon, all I see is the bee and what in fact it will most certainly do if I don’t swat it away or move myself to a different location.
I watched this all go on inside my head and did nothing, I just observed the process. Though it took a huge effort I turned my awareness, even with the bee floating in our midst, back to the friend, the conversation. In the turning I realized how much my anxiety is caused simply by the focus of my attention. It is not caused by the content; by the bee, the snotty waitress or the salad missing the sliced beets. Any experience that I have that is uncomfortable is only uncomfortable because I pay attention to that which is causing the state I call uncomfortable.
I’ve been meditating for about six years. Six years of sitting down on a meditation cushion twice a day. Six years giving an hour of time to silence and simply watching my breath. Honestly, in these six years not much has changed in my life except for the fact that I meditate. I am no less high-strung and no more relaxed. However, every once in awhile a flash of insight will hit the pages of my life and I’ll say, “Ah, hah!” It will be an insight that I know would not have found me without my mediation practice.
Meditation
has both increased my awareness of the world and at the same time has taught me
how to turn my attention. I knew the
first part. Meditation has made me more
aware, but I didn’t see the second part until the bee flew into lunch yesterday. I never realized that I could watch what was
wanted rather than what was given to me. If I can watch the breath instead of the thoughts when I meditate, then
I can turn my attention, even while not meditating, to anything I choose. The “Ah, hah!” was this: I can choose not to
be a victim of my own mind.
